It used to be my worst fear that my mom would die before my dad, after his passing this year that was ruled out but I still have plenty of guilt re:his passing/our relationship if it's any consolation! You are only human and it's completely understandable to me why you would wish for more time with the kinder, more thoughtful and loving parent. I'm sorry you lost your dad when you did, he sounds amazing and you definitely deserved more time with him. Thanks for holding such graciousness in your heart with your Mom where possible. It can't be easy, but your dad clearly had a strong influence on you.