Wow, this was so evocative and haunting, thank you for sharing. It sounds like there were definitely strong and wonderful things imprinted on you, despite the bad things that also happened. I have a similar feeling about aspects of my childhood with an alcoholic parent that I am only starting to confront. I remember a lot of the good times and try not to focus on the bad, but at the same time I have been trying to heal that wound in various ways that are maybe a little "witchy" ;-) but following my instincts feels right. I also went to UMASS (Amherst), it's a beautiful place. It sounds like you have closed the door on this place and it's maybe for the best, but I know it's hard to let go of the childhood home too. I haven't been to mine in many years but I still think about it.